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Changes

• Baby J is growing and changing so quickly. I find it hard to believe that in just over a week she will be nine months old. The time is certainly flying.
• Baby J is eating three meals a day now. She loves oatmeal and pretty much any baby food we feed her. She's getting so big too. Sometimes I wonder if we're feeding her too much food but she eats what we give her and we're certainly not force feeding her so I guess she's fine.
• The poop production from all the food is pretty out of control. I can't even believe how much this kid poops. A few months ago we were a little concerned because Baby J would go 3 or 4 days without pooping. Now she poops 3 or 4 times a day sometimes! It's out of control. And stinky. Thank god for the diaper sprayer I installed on our toilet.
• With all the food intake, the milk intake has definitely decreased. I have such mixed feelings about the end of breast feeding being in sight. I have always planned to only nurse Baby J for a year but seeing the end makes me sad.
  
• However Baby J has started to sort of bite at my nipples. It's not really biting so much as it is holding my nipple in her mouth and turning her head really quickly and taking my nipple with her. She took a pretty good chomp out of one breast around Thanksgiving and it felt like a bruise for almost a week. Whenever she starts playing with my nipples I just switch sides or stop feeding her but I think she thinks it's a game. Not a fun game, Baby J.
  
• Baby J is also starting to sleep longer at night. This week she's only been getting up once at night which is pretty amazing. Her diapers had been leaking quite a bit at night. I think I finally fixed that problem and it seems to be helping her sleep longer.
• I guess I feel a little bittersweet about the sleep too. I have been dying to sleep longer than 3 hours at a time but I'm scared she's all of a sudden going to be sleeping through the night and our quiet night time feedings will be over.
  
• Basically I'm dreading Baby J leaving babyhood. I'm going to be sad when she's not a baby anymore. She's already so different than she was when she was smaller. She won't really let us rock her to sleep for one thing.
  
• But I do love the Baby J we have now. She's smart, funny, and beautiful. She lights up when Hubby or I come in the room. She loves to be with us, dance with us, laugh with us, play with us. You can see her little mind working. When she decides she wants something she goes after it. It's remarkable and scary how fast she changes and learns new things.
• I think I'm doing much better with J's TSC diagnosis. Maybe I'm in denial, but I've just put it out of my mind as best I can. She is healthy and happy and there's no reason to be concerned right now so I'm trying not to be. We'll go see the geneticist around her first birthday and come up with a plan for regular maintenance and check ups then.
• Okay-I've been trying to get the freakin' costco photo uploader thing to work while typing this post and I can't get it to load. Anybody with a Mac had the same problem? I fixed the certificate thing but still can't get the damn thing to load. The world is conspiring against me to get out any sort of holiday card. And is it tacky to send out J's birth announcements with the holiday card? I have them and just haven't gotten them out the door...
  

Thankful

I wanted to post this before Thanksgiving but couldn't get the video to load and I didn't have time to put it on YouTube until now. So, enjoy!

I was going to write a long post about what I'm thankful for this year. You know, a job I like, what a great husband I have, and of course how wonderful Baby J is. Instead I'll just share a video that Hubby took last night while I was at work. And if you didn't know Baby J's real name, you will now. This is what I'm thankful for this year.

I hope you and yours have a great Thanksgiving, however you spend it.

The Verdict

I guess like that other post, I don't really know where to start.

I got a phone call yesterday from the genetic counselor confirming that Baby J really does have tuberous sclerosis. It was a very surreal phone call. I was at a Carter's outlet exchanging some clothes when my phone rang. I had just left a message for the other genetic counselor and that's who I thought it was when I answered. I didn't expect to actually be getting news right then and there. I just thought I was getting a returned phone call. So there I am wandering around Carter's, carrying Baby J in her car seat, which is not easy these days, trying to fight back tears and digest what is being said. You know, those medical type people say things in the vaguest ways sometimes. She said, "Her blood work came back positive for a variance." Does that mean she has a variance or that she could? Well, it means she does.

There are two known genes affected TSC1 and TSC2 (original, I know). Baby J has a mutation in TSC1 which is the gene affected less often. It also seems to have less severe implications. I didn't learn all of this in Carter's. I got off the phone, quickly made my exchange, and bolted to the car where I had a good cry and called Hubby. We talked for a few minutes and then I had a good cry the rest of the way home. I pulled myself together after getting Baby J down for a nap and called the genetic counselor back. I just needed more info.

I guess if there is a best case scenerio for someone with TS then Baby J has it. She has no tumors anywhere that we know of (just need to do a pediatric opthamologist visit) and seems as healthy as can be. We're fortunate to know about her diagnosis now so we can be proactive when things arise. Yeah, it's really easy to type all that now but I was a mess about it all (and am still a little). I think we all want our children to grow up with every opportunity and I'm just scared that this will somehow keep Baby J from having a normal childhood. It certainly hasn't so far, but I do not deal well with the unknown and I just want what's best for her. And I know it's so far in the future but I think about when it's time for her to have kids. And what if the chance of her passing this on keeps her from having kids when she really wants them? I know I'm jumping the gun but I can't stand the thought of it all.

Also, all of this really makes me think we won't have more kids. I just don't know if I can go through all of this with another baby. It's such an emotional roller coaster. Right now we don't think either Hubby or I have TS. Two thirds of cases are new mutations in the genes. But if we want we can get looked over with a wood's lamp (basically a black light) to see if we have any white spots. Nearly 100% of people with TS have the white spots. If we don't have spots then it's safe to assume we don't have TS. I always thought we'd have at least two kids so part of me has been in mourning a little over never being pregnant again or having a newborn or all of the wonderful parts about having a new little baby. Again, jumping the gun. We still can have kids if we want. Neither of us are ready to make that decision just yet.

And silly me, I really let myself believe that this whole diagnosis was a fluke after Baby J's MRI came back clear. To me that was proof that she was fine. And she is fine, don't get me wrong. But I think it all came as such a shock to me yesterday because I really thought the doctors were wrong. I wanted them to be wrong so bad. So now I have to deal with her diagnosis all over again to some extent. It's going to be a long road for me and for us, I think. But ultimately Baby J is the same baby she's always been. She's sweet and funny. She's a total ham and so smart. I love her more than I could've imagined.

To leave on a happy note, here's a couple pictures from yesterday when we were getting ready for a walk to the store...





And a couple more of her playing with her books...

A No Good Terrible Very Bad Day

Today has not gone well...

• I woke up and forgot I had to work today. Luckily having a baby means you don't get to sleep in that late even if you have a nice husband who gets up with the baby.
• I dilly dallied too much after waking up late and had to run out of the house for daycare drop off and work.
• It snowed this morning and the roads were icky. I hate snowy roads.
• I nearly rear-ended a van on my way to work because of teh icky roads. I was talking to Husband at the time and he said, "Maybe you should get off the phone and pay attention."
• Right because I nearly hit a van because I wasn't paying attention. It had nothing to do with the roads.
• I hung up on him.
• He called back and I hung up on him again. Go me.
• At work we had a leaky pipe out front that the chef/manager decided he would try to fix. Right before service.
• It didn't work and he only made it worse so we had no water for the coffee pot, soda gun, or sink we use to fill up the water pitchers. Awesome.
• I had to go to the store to buy soda.
• We had to boil water to bring to the coffee pot and for hot tea. It was not so fantastic.
• Luckily the plumber was able to come but not until lunch was almost over. But he fixed it in like five minutes. Thank you!!
• The whole pipe thing wouldn't have been a big deal but we were busy. Annoying.
• I picked up Baby J from school and brought her home only to have her be incredibly fussy. I think she probably needed another nap but the timing of me picking her up was off for her. She hardly ate any dinner (oatmeal and peas and rice baby food). I did give her a bath and get some cuddle time before bed though.
• The diapers that I loved so much have been leaking for weeks now. I think they have detergent build up which is really annoying because I bought expensive detergent that I thought was recommended. I bought something else to try now and hopefully I can fix the problem so we can keep using them.
  
• I did get some paper work done that I needed to take care of tonight though. I need to put my clothes away/organize my over flowing dresser and do some dishes but I really don't feel like it.
• I better at least do the dishes or Hubby will do them when he comes home and I'll feel bad for not taking care of it.
• Sigh...I hope you've had a better day than me.
  

Barack the Vote!

Even Baby J got an "I Voted" sticker! Hope you have a wonderful Election Day!

Good News!

I'm very, very, very happy to report that the wonderful nurse from the pediatrician's office just called to let us know that her MRI came back 100% clear! There is nothing to suggest any abnormalities, tubers, or anything else we need to worry about. We are, to say the least, very pleased.

They drew blood today to do some genetic testing. We won't have the results from the blood work for awhile. I'm not sure exactly how long, but I think a few weeks. So, I guess there is a chance Baby J doesn't have TS. It's something I've known but haven't really been able to entertain until we had more information. I guess I'm feeling more optimistic about all of it now. It's still scary but at least we know her brain and kidneys are totally fine.

Thanks for all your kind words! I'm raising a virtual glass of Champagne to you all!

The Magnet is ALWAYS On

Well, that's what all the mats on the floor say in the MRI area of the hospital. For some reason, I found it amusing.

We're home, but I don't have any news yet. Baby J was a champ. She didn't cry about not getting to eat, to my relief, even when we had to wait an extra 40 minutes in a random waiting room for her MRI because the guy before her was late. She woke up from being sedated smiling and cooing. One of her anesthesiologists was one of the dads from our birthing class which was a pleasant surprise.

She's napping now. I'll be back when I have something more to report. Thanks for all your support. And thanks to my two best friends, one who brought us muffins and made us lunch and the other who is bringing us dinner tonight. I'm a lucky, lucky girl.

Fever Pitch

All this election news has really reached a fever pitch. This morning the countdown on CNN said
"First polls close in 8 days, X hours, X minutes", not just "Election Day" but "First Polls Close". Crazy. Personally I can't wait for this all to be over. I feel such a desperation over this election. I don't just want Obama to win, I need him to win. Baby J needs him to win. When Sarah Palin was first announced as McCain's running mate I was petrified. All we heard about was Sarah Palin. I thought it might be the end of Barack Obama. Thankfully that isn't the case and now I'm optimistic. Cautiously optimistic.

This election cycle has inspired my husband to pursue some of his own political interests. He was appointed to a planning commision in our county and is considering a run at a city counsel seat in March. It is amazing to watch him follow through on some things he's been talking about for awhile. It's a little scary to think about him running for some sort of office. We aren't wealthy and that seems like a must to be a politician these days but I support him no matter what. And I'm prepared to go door to door for him, in the winter. That's love.

I think this election cycle has inspired lots of people who never pay attention too. Hubby has two coworkers who never really vote but are going to this year. One is a Canadian who only recently naturalized and has never really paid attention. This year, she cares. Another is a woman who, if she voted, probably voted Republican. This year she's voting for Obama. I love these stories.

Here's Baby J's endorsement:



____________________________

On a totally unrelated note, Baby J goes in for her MRI on Wednesday. I work a double tomorrow so I won't be back here updating until we get home Wednesday. Hubby and I are both nervous about the whole thing. I know things will be fine but I think it's going to be scary to see Baby J with an IV and sedated. And she can't eat for four hours before the procedure. Thank goodness it's at 7:30am! I'm setting my alarm for 3am so she can eat on last time before her MRI. I was doing well with everything for awhile but thinking about Wednesday makes me all emotional again. A woman from the hospital called this morning for a pre-op interview. She knew all about why Baby J was coming in and she was so nice. Sometimes I'm overwhelmed by how nice people can be. I'm okay if it's all business. When someone adds some emotion into it I'm a disaster. Anyway, I'll be back with an update when I have one. I have no idea how long we'll be at the hospital or when we'll hear anything.

An Update on Life

I realized I've been so focused on Baby J's diagnosis I haven't really talked about much else. So, here it goes.

• Work is good. I usually work two and a half days a week. The two full days are l-o-n-g. I work both the lunch and dinner shift but I'm able to get out for an hour between to go see Baby J at school. It's a nice break. I'm the assistant manager at the restaurant. For me, it's a good mix of responsibility and being able to leave the drama there. There are some odd dynamics at the restaurant but there's drama everywhere and I can live with this drama.
• My sister is gone. She left two weeks ago now. It's hard to believe she was here for six months. It came and went so fast. There were times where I'm sure we annoyed each other but after Sister being gone so long it was nice to have her around. She was a great help with Baby J too, especially in those early days when we were home together all day. I certainly needed her then. And I miss her now. Come home soon, Sister!
• Baby J continues to thrive. She had her pre-op appointment at the pediatrician's today to get cleared for her MRI next week. Apparently she has an ear infection but she hasn't been acting like she doesn't feel well so I was surprised. It's been about four weeks since her six month check up and she is up to 16lbs 3oz. I'm glad to know she's gaining weight because I'm not feeding her at night as much and I was scared she might lose weight again. We have weaned her off her pacifier. It wasn't totally intentional. We wanted to get a better sleep routine so we did a little ferber/cry it out and decided to get rid of the pacifier at bedtime. The sleep training went pretty well. We thought about giving her the paci during the day but when she found her thumb on her own it didn't seem necessary anymore. I'm not sure which is better but I'm happy to not have to go diving for her pacifier when she spits it out. The sleep situation still isn't 100% ideal but I'm trying to relish the quiet night time feedings because I know they won't last forever.
  
• In addition to her pre-op, which was fine other than the ear infection which shouldn't affect the MRI, I had an appointment with the pediatric geneticist to get some questions answered. I had been talking to the genetic counselor quite a bit but she didn't feel like she could really answer all my questions so I sat down with the doctor today which was nice. She's very patient and understanding. Baby J is in good hands.
  
• While I'm still emotional at times when thinking about the TSC diagnosis, I'm increasinly hopeful that Baby J will be minimally affected. I just don't see how, right now, it could be any different. I realize I could just be in denial but with her crawling and babbling and clapping (which the pediatrican said babies don't usually do until 10 months!), I just find it hard to believe she is having any TSC related problems.
• Hubby seems to be doing pretty well. I think we need a date night. It feels like lately if I'm not working at night, he is. It's that time of year for him, but I'd like to go out, have some wine, and be a couple for a few hours. Otherwise, work is going well for him and he loves being a dad. He's good at it too. I'm a lucky lady. That is for sure.
• Life continues to move at lightening speed. Baby J is seven months old today. I'm not exactly sure where all the time has gone but I am really trying to enjoy it. Soon the baby days will be a thing of the past.
  

Update

Just a quick update: The ultra-sound tech said Baby J's kidneys looked fine. With little ones, they have the pediatric radiologist look over the films while the patient is still there. The doctor didn't feel the need to talk to us or look at Baby J so I take that as a good sign. I haven't heard from our pediatrician who I asked to check on the results but since the tech sounded so confident I'm feeling okay with that. Maybe our doc is having a busy day and she'll check in later. If I find anything else out I'll be sure to let you know.

Just as I pushed the publish button my phone rang. The nurse at the pediatrician's office said the ultrasound was totally normal! One test down, many more to go.

So It Begins

Tomorrow begins the battery of tests Baby J will undergo to see where we stand with her TSC diagnosis. In the morning we will go to the hospital for an ultrasound on her kidneys. I guess there's a lot I'm still processing. I've had a couple conversations with the genetic counselor this week. She's really great and has been trying to get answers to some of my more specific questions. I have a lot in my head but don't really know what to put down here or how to do it. In lieu of something more substantive, here's a video I just shot of Baby J playing in her exersaucer (or neglect-a-saucer as a friend of ours called it) and clapping.

And don't worry, I'll have an update on her kidneys for you as soon as I know something.

Bloggy Meet Up!

Today Mom, Baby J, and I met the wonderful Crunchy Granola, Politica, and Curious Girl. It was a lovely time and hopefully we will see each other again soon! As an ode to Phantom Scribbler and her pictures at meet-ups, we took a hand photo. Here it is.



From the top left (gold ring): Politca, Crunch Granola, Rev Dr Mom, Baby J, me, and Curious Girl

Really?

It is very hard to believe that there is something wrong with Baby J. I mean, maybe there isn't anything wrong but some defunct genes but it's hard to believe there could be something wrong with her. She seems so smart and healthy. Today is Hubby's birthday (Happy Birthday, babe!) and we went out to dinner with his dad and stepmom and Baby J. While we were there Baby J started mimicking her Grandpa clapping. He would clap and then she would clap. Over and over and over again. It's hard to understand how she could have any developmental delays. And maybe she doesn't but I am just having a hard time wrapping my mind around all of this. White marks = bad genes? It's terribly mind-boggling.

You know after you have a baby and you totally lose your mind? You can't remember anything? Well, I'm experiencing that times 1,000 these days. I can barely form coherent thoughts. I feel like I can't say anything intelligent to anyone and I'm really afraid I'm going to get into a car accident because I'm so distracted. I don't know how to process everything and I am trying to keep things as normal as possible right now since we have no reason to do otherwise. It's just hard. I want to keep some sense of normalcy but on the inside I'm a mix of sad, scared for my daughter, anxious and really afraid of what we are going to find out. I'm trying to keep up appearances so to speak but I'm afraid I'm not doing that too well. Maybe I just don't know what normal is these days.

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I do want to say thank you for your kind words. Part of the reason I blogged about this all early on in the process was because I have a feeling I'm going to need you guys. I have always really tried to be there for my friends but right now I feel like I just need people to be there for me. I don't have the mental capacity for anything else. Anyway, thanks. You all mean a lot to me.

Where do I start?

Where do I start?

Baby J has been diagnosed with a rare genetic condition called tuberous sclerosis.

Now that I have that out of the way, I guess I can start at the beginning. Baby J was born with a mark on her upper, inner left thigh. It sort of just looked like a white raised birth mark. Sometime down the road our pediatrician referred us to a dermatologist just to have it checked out. Between getting referred to the dermatology appointment and actually going I noticed some random white spots in different places on her body. They were pretty small and very hard to miss. One on her rib cage, another on the back of her right elbow, and another on the back of her left heel...there are more but those are some of the more obscure ones.

Two weeks ago we saw the dermatologist. Her opinion was that the white raised mark was probably just a birth mark. She was more concerned about the random white spots and referred us to the genetics center here. She said often they are nothing, but sometimes they are an indication of a genetic condition called tuberous sclerosis. That afternoon the genetics center called with our appointment time.

For the last two weeks I have tried very, very hard to not go crazy reading information online. I have only allowed myself to read the Tuberous Sclerosis Alliance homepage. I didn't want to read random scary stories so I did my best to only read this website and hope it was all for nothing.

Fast forward to Friday's appointment. We go to the children's specialty area of the hospital. We meet with a very nice genetic counselor and a very nice geneticist who specializes in pediatrics. They looked Baby J over and left the room to talk. They came back and gave us the diagnosis. With TS (or TSC for tuberous sclerosis complex to differentiate it from touret's syndrome which is often referred to as TS) there are a few different skin abnormalities that can arrise. When a patient has two of them, doctors typically feel it's enough to diagnose a patient with TSC. They felt her white birth mark and her white spots combined for this diagnosis.

Obviously I was extremely upset. Thankfully my husband was there too. I didn't absorb a whole lot of what we talked about next but the genetic counselor is more than happy to talk to me whenever I have questions. The next steps for us are for Baby J to have an MRI done to look at her brain, a kidney ultrasound, and to have blood drawn to do some genetic testing. We will also schedule an appointment with a pediatric opthamalogist.

What does this all mean and what does TSC affect? Well, we don't really know what it means right now. There is a wide spectrum of how TSC affects people. Some people have TSC so mildly that they are never diagnosed with it. Other people have tumors grow on a number of organs (eyes, kidney, brain, heart, etc) and have several developmental problems. TSC can also cause seizures. One third of cases are passed down from family while two thirds are just a random genetic mutation.

Our pediatrician called on Friday evening to check in on us. Baby J had just had her six month check up on Thursday so we had discussed what was going on and she knew how worried I was. She spoke to the geneticist after our appointment and they both agreed that Baby J seems very mildly affected at this point. The fact that she seems to be meeting her developmental milestones and has not had a seizure to date are very good signs. Right now all we can do is hope for the best and wait and see what the battery of tests show up. They are scheduled for the end of October.

I have been vaciliating between totally level headed and matter of fact about her diagnosis to totally upset and feeling constantly near tears. People live healthy lives with TSC and right now there's no reason to think Baby J will be any different. I have to keep reminding myself that Baby J isn't sick, she's still the same baby. She's had this condition since birth. She is still the same baby. Now, however, I find myself totally petrified that she's going to have a seizure and I'm not going to be there when it happens. Leaving her yesterday to go to work was probably harder than leaving her at daycare the first day. And having to continue to rehash this with people is not going well. We've decided to not tell everyone. We've begun to tell our close friends and family and part of me wants to tell more people because it feels like something that is defining my life so much right now, but it's just not the right time. We know very little about how Baby J is being affected by all this right now and if I'm going to tell everyone I'd rather have a better picture of what is going on. I feel like I'll be coming here more to get things off my chest about what's going on. I have so much more in my head but don't really know how to articulate it all right now. Everything still seems pretty surreal...

Reason #4,586 Why I Love My Husband

This is what greeted me at the door when I got home from work last night. Baby J's tiny shoes with all of ours (ok, three of those pairs are mine and one is my sister's). My husband, he is teh cute.

A Happy Report

• Baby J is back up to 14lbs 1 oz. She's just two ounces shy of where she was at her four month check up so things are looking up.
• She gained seven ounces in seven days!
• Apparently she's just a snacker and I'm okay with that. She can eat as often as she likes.
• Ears are clear.
• I am pretty sure she's starting to do more serious teething. She was chewing on the nurse practitioner/lactation consultant's stethoscope through part of our visit.
• We don't go back to the doctor again until her six month check up which will be nice.
• Well to the pediatrician's anyway. She has a dermatology appointment in two weeks for a little raised patch she's had on her leg since birth.
• The sleep isn't ideal but if she's gaining weight I'll deal with it. We had some nice cuddle time in bed this morning at her normal 5am waking but I fed her laying down and we snuggled for a bit.
• Thanks again for all your helpful and kinds words. I guess it's always something but I'm appreciative to have your support and suggestions.
  

In Which I Feel at My Wits End

• Seadragon asked how things are going. I guess they are going better.
• Baby J weighed the same amount to the 10th of an ounce at her appointment on Thursday. 13lbs 10.8oz. So it's good she didn't lose anymore.
• My milk supply is definitely up and feeling more ample which is also good.
• Baby J still screeches at the top of her lungs during feedings. I don't know why. She screeches and arches her back. Is my milk flow slowing down before she's ready for it to? If it seems like she's still hungry but not much is coming out of the side I just fed her on, I'll switch sides. She usually eats hungrily on that side too only to spit it up later.
• Also any progress we'd made on the sleeping front has totally gone by the wayside. She's up numerous times a night and has lately been waking up around 5 or 5:30am and wants to play. The past few days Hubby has gone for a long walk with her in the morning so I can get a bit more sleep since I'm up t more with her during the night. This morning, god bless her, my mom took her for awhile so we could both sleep.
  
• Many times lately I feel at my wits end. I'm terribly afraid they are going to tell me we need to start supplementing with formula because Baby J isn't getting enough to eat. I'm pretty convinced she isn't getting any hindmilk as she's only eating for about five minutes at a time. My breasts do feel drained when she's done so I'm confident she's getting some food. I just don't know if it's enough. I want to believe my body can provide for Baby J but maybe it can't. I want to keep up the breastfeeding but many times in the past few days I have felt near tears when Baby J starts to screech and arch away while she's eating.
  
• I was reading in The Baby Book that maybe she's on a nursing strike of sorts, but that doesn't feel exactly right to me. I can't really find anything that addresses what we're dealing with. It's not that my let down is too strong. I know that much.
• I don't know what to do, but am thinking maybe I should change the name of my blog to something more relevant like "Nursing Issues R Us" or "That Complaining Mommy".

And now for something more interesting than my nursing woes and complaints. Today we bought Baby J a high chair. She'll start eating cereal in a few weeks and we want to put her up at the table whenever possible. We got her the Stokke Tripp Trapp chair. Here are some cute pictures from today...

Happy baby!

Feed me!

That's more like it.

Where's mine?

Side view

I'm cute.

Model face (her own blue steel for those of you Zoolander fans)

24 Hours

So much changes in 24 hours.

• I decided I should go see a lactation consultant before my appointment Thursday. I'm increasingly concerned about my supply so it seemed silly to wait until the end of the week.
• I met with one of the LCs at our pediatrician's office this morning. She was very helpful and made me feel a lot better.
• I'm now taking fenugreek and blessed thistle to help increase my production. I'm also going to nurse Baby J as often as I can and get lots of snuggle time in.
• At work I'm going to pump as often as I can. I need to find a way to pump twice during the lunch shift. I'm already pumping twice during dinner.
• I'm back to only feeding her on one side to make sure she's getting hind milk.
• After I feed her in the morning one side, I'm going to pump on the other and then wait an hour and pump on both sides.
  
• I'm going to do my best to not stress about how much I get when I pump. I think the stress is only making things worse. I have a stock of milk in the freezer and I need to use it if need be.
  
• Baby J and I will be okay. I just needed to get some advice and a little perspective.
  

In Which I Continue to be Totally Unsure of Myself

Baby J had an appointment on Friday for a little check-up. Apparently, little girls and old women can get dry um, down there, and need some cream to make sure things are sticking together. I'd never heard of it, but we'd been diligently putting cream on Baby J's girly bits for three weeks and we needed to make sure everything was fine. Well, her girly bits are fine.

But she lost half a pound in the three weeks since her four month check up.

If you remember, we talked about lots of sleep issues at her last appointment. One of the other things she said was to try to go longer between feedings during the day. That happened pretty naturally on its own. We have been going three to four hours between feedings. And although I was becoming convinced Baby J is just really efficient and doesn't need to nurse all that long, I now think we might have a problem. The pediatrician seemed pretty concerned about the weight loss. She went from the 65th percentile to the 26th.

So these are the solutions we came up with. I should feed her on both sides at each feeding and try to get her to eat longer. When she's getting a bottle because I'm working, it should be four ounces. And I'm going back in on Thursday to weigh Baby J again and see the Nurse Practitioner/Lactation Consultant to make sure everything looks okay.

Hubby was away this weekend for a friend's bachelor party and I had to work both Friday night and Saturday night. We are lucky to have my sister and good friends around to help out (and for free!). My friend J watched her last night and she ate two four ounce bottles within an hour of each other! I had a hard time getting her to eat both at 1pm and at 3pm before I left for work. She just seemed totally uninterested and cried rather loudly instead of eating. I'm glad she had those two bottles because I was concerned she didn't get enough to eat during the day, but it really confuses me. Is she just done with my actual breasts? I don't really think so because she does still eat especially at night and in the morning and even a little during the day. Should I just pump and feed her four ounce bottles so I know she is getting enough...whatever enough is? I'm thoroughly confused and unsure of myself. And totally freaked out because I only pumped one four ounce bottle at work last night and am scared she's going to go through a ton of milk while I'm working two doubles this week. I read oatmeal helps with milk production so I had a big bowl for breakfast yesterday and today. I'm also thinking of getting some fenugreek capsules to take to help with the milk production especially for pumping purposes. I'm just scared the production will go crazy and I'll end up with mastitis. I just feel at a loss and don't really know who to call because I'm sure everyone will tell me something different.

So It Begins

Baby J started day care today. It was a "transition" day but really it was as long as she'll be there tomorrow too. I really like her teacher. She's pregnant and has moved over from the preschool room to head up the new infant room. And for a few weeks her teacher only has Baby J and another baby. She's helping with all the other babies too, but when we were there her focus seemed to be on those two which is nice. Baby J took two naps, although they weren't very long, ate twice, had her clothes changed (thank you drool) and got a few clean diapers. I think after today I'm feeling much better about things. She didn't cry when we left (Hubby had today off so he went with me, thank god. I don't think I would've taken her in today otherwise...) and she was happy when we got back. She was asleep in her carseat before we were five minutes from the daycare. It's going to be okay, I think. But we should see how I am after leaving her tomorrow.

Right now I'm most concerned about my milk production. First of all I'm confused about how much she should be eating. She's now going 3-4 hours between feedings instead of eating every two. (Actually, it's a relief to leave the house and know I don't have to figure out where to feed her in a couple hours.) Although she's eating less often, her nursing sessions have shortened too. She might nurse for five-ten minutes. Ten if I'm lucky. When I pump I'm lucky to get three ounces from one breast. This morning I pumped when Baby J would have normally eaten and I only got two ounces and that was pumping on both sides! Everything I've read says pumping is not a good indication of production, but when you need to produce milk to feed your baby while you're working and can't pump enough then what? I'm going to have to get creative about when I pump now. Especially when I start working doubles on Tuesdays and Wednesdays next week. I don't know if she's okay only getting 3 ounces every 3-4 hours while I'm working or if it should be 4 ounces. Does anyone out there know? I'm been looking online but have a hard time finding how much she should be eating. Ugh.

All Rolled Over!

Baby J has mastered rolling over. Here's how I found her in her crib one hot day last week.

Hi Mommy.

My rolls have rolls.

What?

So...with lots of links!

• So, my lovely mother ordered me this.
• And thanks to Ianqui's suggestion, I bought these to try. (I bought two boxes and if I don't like them I may send one your way!)
• I also signed up with Seadragon to do The Couch to 5k Running Plan. I'm supposed to start this week. But it's Wednesday and I haven't done a workout yet. I'm not working tomorrow so I'll do one then, but I'm working a double on Friday and the night shift on Saturday. Must get motivated!! I'll try to get up early on Friday.
• Try to get up early is the key word (phrase?). We're still trying to have Hubby get up with Baby J at night. I guess it's going better. She's not eating every two hours during the day anymore and she's really just been waking up at 3am-ish. I've been feeding her around 11pm and I guess we'd like her to go till 5 or 6 without eating. Hubby has the tendency to want to change something immediately when it doesn't work but I think we need to give things more time.
• In addition to trying to be more patient with the sleep thing we are working on being more patient with each other. We were not very nice to each other last night.
• Work is good. I like the restaurant and the staff is great. It's a bit tiring, but in a good way. I'm working my first double on Friday so we'll see how it goes.
• Baby J is currently trying out her Johnny Jump Up. She doesn't quite get it yet, but she seems to like hanging around in it.
• And last but not least, Hubby's cousin had a baby today! Yay! I sent her a post partum recovery kit with breast pads, maxi pads, Tylenol and motrin, lansinoh, and some other baby goodies. I know I will send her another package because I forgot to send her a onsie I have for her. I have some peppermint foot cream for her too, but I'd like to send her husband something too. Any ideas for something nice and inexpensive for a new daddy?
  

Also

Also, Baby J has become an expert roller. She also can scoot around on her tummy a little bit which leads to limbs sticking out of the crib when she wakes up from her naps. I keep thinking I should buy a crib bumper for her, but 1. I know they are supposed to be a hazard and 2. I know that when she can stand I'll need to take it out so she can't stand on it and get out of the crib. So to crib bumper or not? Opinions, please.

And I want to get a nursing cover up. I'd like to be able to nurse somewhere else other than my car, but I have a hard time getting situated with the blanket and the baby, etc. The bebe au lait ones are just too expensive. They have some on Etsy and on Ebay. But I can't decide which fabric I like. I'd prefer something simple and plain, but now I find myself totally indecisive. I like these and this one. I also emailed someone on Etsy to see if I can get one more plain like light yellow eyelet fabric...please help!

Lastly, has anyone used reusable nursing pads? Or maybe I don't need nursing pads anymore? I'm scared to stop wearing them for fear of leaking everywhere, but that should be under control by now, right? And the ones I'm using seem to soak up a little milk, but not much...

Thanks for you comments on my last post. I'm so conflicted. I want to keep Baby J close but I also desperately want us all to sleep. Last night sucked. I slept next to Baby J instead of Hubby and ended up feeding her at 3ish and 5ish. Sigh...we'll figure something out I'm sure.

Ugh

Baby J had her four month check-up on Friday. She's doing fine weighing in at 14lbs 3oz and 25 1/2 in long. She's gained 6lbs and 5 inches since birth. One of the biggest things we talked about during her appointment was the problems we've been having with sleep. Dr. P was surprised to hear Baby J stopped sleeping through the nigh since at her two month check up things were going fine. She basically said that now Baby J has learned that when she wakes up at night and cries I'll feed her. Nutritionally, she doesn't need to eat that much so she suggested Hubby, who was also at the appointment, tend to her during her night time wakings and only if she is really crying and won't go back to sleep should I feed her. She also said if we can get Baby J to take better naps that will help with the sleeping at night and maybe we should make her room darker for nap time. Hubby has been saying we should make her room darker for awhile and we've been working on the naps. The last thing she said was that maybe we should move Baby J into her own room. All of this was very hard on me. Have I really been doing so much wrong? And how the hell are people supposed to figure this stuff out?

I'm supposed to provide for Baby J. I take care of her nearly all day every day. I should know what she needs and how to take care of her. Of course I want to do what's best for her, but I'm really sad about these changes we have to make now. And I also feel like I've failed all of us a bit. We haven't been getting sleep for over a month now and all we needed to do was switch sides of the bed and let Hubby take care of her? And it does seem to be working, at least for the last two nights.

I just don't know how to reconcile how I'm feeling. I feel like I've failed somehow, but at the same time I feel like how am I supposed to know any better? I've been reading online and in the books I have and haven't found anything all that helpful. I want to be happy that maybe we're on the right track to getting some sleep but I wish I could've figured it out. And I wish Baby J was still sleeping on my side of the bed.

Bullets of Crap, Anxiety edition

• I don't even know where to start.
  
• I was offered a job to pick up some managing shifts at a restaurant.
• It's a very yummy restaurant and the woman who owns it is totally willing to be flexible with me.
• A couple Sundays ago, I went in for dinner and basically an interview. On my way home I saw a sign for a daycare that had openings. Hubby called them the next day and they are opening a new infant room. They are willing to take infants part time too. It all feels pretty serendipitous.
  
• Yesterday we went to visit the daycare. If I'm honest with myself, the place was really nice. It had a lot of what we want. They start sign language with the babies. They are totally breastfeeding friendly. They are willing to use our cloth diapers. I'm more than welcome to come by during the day if I want to. But it's still putting Baby J in daycare. Really I am just freaked out that she won't get held or attention or something. I know that won't happen. We sat in the infant room for awhile yesterday and while some babies cried, it was only while they got their bottles ready or something. I feel like I just need to get over it. I need to just get over it.
• We put a deposit down before we left.
  
• I'm about to call the general manager/owner of the restaurant and accept the position. I'm not very good at negotiating pay, but I did and after my training they are going to pay me what I want.
  
• And I'll be working a double on Tuesdays and Wednesdays and the lunch shift on Saturdays. Only two days of daycare and Hubby will be with Baby J on Saturday.
  
• I'm nervous, but I need a paycheck and it will be good to get out of the house some.
  
• Today Baby J is four months old! FOUR MONTHS!
• And she rolled over totally from back to tummy last night!
• She didn't sleep through the night but we got one four hour chunk from 9:45-1:45. And Hubby and I were smart enough to go to bed at 9:45 after I fed her. Then she was up at 3:45 and 5:45 and 7ish. Hubby took her at 7ish while he got ready so I could get a bit more sleep. He's a godsend. I don't know what I'd do without that extra hour of sleep.
• She'll be fine in daycare. Right?
  

Will it ever end?

Three weeks ago, I remember telling someone "Oh yes, Baby J sleeps through the night. We are very lucky. (knocks on wood) We do keep thinking it's going to change but so far so good." The next night it changed and for three weeks now Baby J has been up every two hours to eat. Every.two.hours. I'm exhausted.

When it first started we thought, okay we're in Maine on vacation. She's just not used to being in a different place. Or maybe she's going through a growth spurt (she has grown a lot in the last three weeks). But it hasn't changed. We've tried to give her better naps during the day. I still feed her every two hours during the day for the most part. Hubby and I really want to believe that there is something we can do to help Baby J through the night. We are desperate to believe we can change things. I know we can't, but it sucks to be helpless. Everything I've read about sleep regressions, developmental changes, and growth spurts says this is normal but oh my god is there an end in sight? I need more than a two hour stretch of sleep and I worry about Hubby having to go to work with such a disjointed night's sleep. And work? Let's not even talk about the fact that I may be starting a new job outside of the house soon....I can't imagine functioning in the real world like this. Last night we got in bed at 7:45pm. It doesn't matter, I still need to sleep for more than two hours at a time.

Tonight we are going to try to move Baby J out of the cosleeper and into the pack n play. We have the mini cosleeper and she's gotten a little too big for it, I think. We'll see if that helps at all. I think we are still going to put it next to the bed. We think, maybe she needs more room. Maybe she's waking herself up bumping into the side of the cosleeper. Sometimes she sleeps for three hours during the day in her crib...but that's downstairs and our room is upstairs and I'm certainly not ready for that move...

My New Favorite Picture

Baby J, 3 months and 9 days old

Feeling Good

• I'm feeling good today. I had a job interview this morning. I'm not 100% sure it will work out the way I want to (ie partly at home, partly in the office), but it was still good.
• Hubby took Baby J to work with him so I could get ready and then go to my interview. He is a godsend.
  
• We had a nice Father's Day, I think. I gave Hubby a book and a framed photo of the baby for his desk. While I was cooking breakfast he said, "I'm really glad you didn't get me the $50 smoker from Lowe's. I thought you were going to and I really don't want that one." Um, I had that one in the garage at my friend's house to give to him later. I gave it to him and I think he felt bad about what he said but I think I still might take it back if he doesn't want it. Problem is, he says he doesn't really want anything else and I feel bad that he didn't get a rockin' father's day gift.
• I am wearing one of my favorite pre-pregnancy pairs of jeans. They are a tad snug around the waist but otherwise fit. That feels pretty good.
• Now if only I had an income, I would be feeling really good. This not having an income thing is starting to mess with my head.

Some Baby J pictures that I took yesterday! Isn't she cute in her little bum genius diapers? :)

What Was I Thinking?

What was I thinking? Seriously?

No, not about quitting my job. That was definitely the right decision. I am so glad to not have to go back to that office. But I thought I could watch a four month old baby in addition to Baby J? Yes, I had a moment (a long moment) of crazy. I watched Mr. G for three days and let me tell you, it was a ton of work (duh). He's a good baby, but man oh man. I was just waiting for one of them to have a melt down the whole time. The first day they both melted down at the same time. I strapped Baby J into the baby bjorn so I could hold Mr. G too, but that only lasted so long. Luckily these few days were a trial run and I told Mr. G's mom I needed a few days to think about things. Besides not being able to console them both at the same time and feeling like I'm neglecting one half the time, I'm getting paid squat. I'm getting paid a daycare rate not a babysitting rate. The daycare rate only works for people when they have more than one child. The babysitting rate would be twice as much and I know they are not willing to pay that. Seriously, I'm not even making minimum wage and I have Mr. G for nine hours when he's here. Exhausting.

The good news is that I have a job interview on Monday for a job that I hope will be mostly from home. I got the lead on the job from a friend of my husband's. She thought a lot of it could be done from home so we'll see how the interview goes. I'm also dropping my resume off at a baby shop today that lets you bring your child to work with you. They aren't hiring now but may be soon. If I could do my little data entry job and bring Baby J to me at the kid's store, that might be enough for us to get by. Fingers crossed!

Otherwise we're doing quite well. I feel like we've settled into a good rhythm around here. Sister seems to be doing pretty well and it's nice having her around. She's very helpful and loves to hold Baby J. Hubby, although still stressed about me having no real income, is doing well. Since gas is freaking ridiculous he's been taking the bus this week to work. And while the bus system seems to be conspiring against him, he hasn't quite been able to make the connections he's supposed to because one bus is late or another is early, I think he's enjoying it.

The Backstory

So I quit my job on Tuesday. My supervisors insisted I come in for my yearly evaluation and I gave my notice then. It was a hard year at work and one thing they mentioned was that they found my blog while I was out. They actually said they'd wish they'd seen it sooner because they felt it gave better insight into how I was feeling. Anyway, it feels good to be done there. It's still a little weird that I don't have a "real" job.

Hubby and I decided that we could make it work with me staying home. It looks like I will be watching another baby three days a week as well as doing some data entry work for a woman who owns her own business. It's something I can do whenever I want and is pretty easy. I'm also trying to get a job at a local kids shop that lets you bring your baby to work with you! Cool, huh? They aren't hiring now but might be in a couple weeks so I'm dropping off my resume this weekend. Tomorrow is my first trial run day watching the new baby. He's a boy and is six weeks older than Baby J. I know it won't be easy, but I'm up for the challenge and I think it'll be fun for Baby J to have a friend to hang out with.

It feels great to not be going back to the office, but scary and nerve wracking too. Baby J will only be a baby once though and I want to enjoy my time with her.

Welcome

Welcome to my new blog! So yes, my now former employers found my old blog and while they said they wouldn't read it I just feel more comfortable starting over. I hope you'll stick with my as I explore the new uncharted territory of being a work from home mom. I got a new job on Friday doing some data entry and it looks like I will be watching a friend's son three days a week as well. Hubby and I are nervous, excited, and a little freaked out by this new chapter in our lives, but Baby J is most important to us and so this is what we decided to do.

So I have a question I hope someone can help me with...I want to archive my old posts and then delete my old blog. Any suggestions?