Really?

It is very hard to believe that there is something wrong with Baby J. I mean, maybe there isn't anything wrong but some defunct genes but it's hard to believe there could be something wrong with her. She seems so smart and healthy. Today is Hubby's birthday (Happy Birthday, babe!) and we went out to dinner with his dad and stepmom and Baby J. While we were there Baby J started mimicking her Grandpa clapping. He would clap and then she would clap. Over and over and over again. It's hard to understand how she could have any developmental delays. And maybe she doesn't but I am just having a hard time wrapping my mind around all of this. White marks = bad genes? It's terribly mind-boggling.

You know after you have a baby and you totally lose your mind? You can't remember anything? Well, I'm experiencing that times 1,000 these days. I can barely form coherent thoughts. I feel like I can't say anything intelligent to anyone and I'm really afraid I'm going to get into a car accident because I'm so distracted. I don't know how to process everything and I am trying to keep things as normal as possible right now since we have no reason to do otherwise. It's just hard. I want to keep some sense of normalcy but on the inside I'm a mix of sad, scared for my daughter, anxious and really afraid of what we are going to find out. I'm trying to keep up appearances so to speak but I'm afraid I'm not doing that too well. Maybe I just don't know what normal is these days.

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I do want to say thank you for your kind words. Part of the reason I blogged about this all early on in the process was because I have a feeling I'm going to need you guys. I have always really tried to be there for my friends but right now I feel like I just need people to be there for me. I don't have the mental capacity for anything else. Anyway, thanks. You all mean a lot to me.