In a Rut

Happy New Year!

I'm stuck in a rut. I've been thinking and thinking about this new year and hoping it will spring me out of the rut I've been in lately. I've had grand thoughts of blogging more, getting on the treadmill, eating better, putting myself out there as a party/wedding planner (something I'm very passionate about but a bit nervous to admit), getting out to some play times at the library or local kids store but to be honest, I'm just scared I'm going to fail at all of this and then feel even worse about myself. Ugh.

Mentally I feel like I'm in a better place than I've been in for awhile. I don't know how to explain where I was or how I feel now, but I just feel less cloudy and more capable. I want to do better in all aspects of my life but I know I need time to lay low too. I just don't know how to reconcile the two exactly so that life makes sense and feels good. Balance, I suppose that's what I'm looking for but who isn't?

I had grand plans of typing up a big post of New Year's resolutions and part of me wants to still, but I also want to be gentle with myself and accept that fact that I can't do everything. So for starters I did sign Baby J and I up for a Mom and Baby yoga class. My favorite mom from my birthing class is going to be at the same yoga class with her daughter so it will be good motivation for us to go. The only thing I'm worried about is it affecting Baby J's nap schedule. The class is at 10:30am on Fridays, but we shall see...

Sometimes I just don't know how people get it all done. I haven't managed to get a good picture of Hubby, Baby J and I to put on a Christmas card to mail out. Hell, I have Baby J's birth announcements all done except for the addresses, but I can never find the time to get Hubby to look at the address list to see who we should or shouldn't send them to. I don't know how people get their acts together. It's frustrating and makes me feel like a bit of a failure. I keep thinking I'll just send the holiday card and birth announcement out together but now it's the new year, so what does it matter? I thought maybe I'd send the announcement out with info about J's baptism but now we don't know when that's going to happen either. See, this is the rut. This is where I feel incapable of life at times. Although like I said before I'm feeling more capable these days...I just need to figure out where to start and how to get it done. I think part of the indecision is worrying too much about what other people will think...birth announcements when J's 9+ months old. Is that tacky?

Sorry for the rambling...thanks for sticking with me if there are any readers left out there.

Go Elf Yourself!

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Changes

• Baby J is growing and changing so quickly. I find it hard to believe that in just over a week she will be nine months old. The time is certainly flying.
• Baby J is eating three meals a day now. She loves oatmeal and pretty much any baby food we feed her. She's getting so big too. Sometimes I wonder if we're feeding her too much food but she eats what we give her and we're certainly not force feeding her so I guess she's fine.
• The poop production from all the food is pretty out of control. I can't even believe how much this kid poops. A few months ago we were a little concerned because Baby J would go 3 or 4 days without pooping. Now she poops 3 or 4 times a day sometimes! It's out of control. And stinky. Thank god for the diaper sprayer I installed on our toilet.
• With all the food intake, the milk intake has definitely decreased. I have such mixed feelings about the end of breast feeding being in sight. I have always planned to only nurse Baby J for a year but seeing the end makes me sad.
  
• However Baby J has started to sort of bite at my nipples. It's not really biting so much as it is holding my nipple in her mouth and turning her head really quickly and taking my nipple with her. She took a pretty good chomp out of one breast around Thanksgiving and it felt like a bruise for almost a week. Whenever she starts playing with my nipples I just switch sides or stop feeding her but I think she thinks it's a game. Not a fun game, Baby J.
  
• Baby J is also starting to sleep longer at night. This week she's only been getting up once at night which is pretty amazing. Her diapers had been leaking quite a bit at night. I think I finally fixed that problem and it seems to be helping her sleep longer.
• I guess I feel a little bittersweet about the sleep too. I have been dying to sleep longer than 3 hours at a time but I'm scared she's all of a sudden going to be sleeping through the night and our quiet night time feedings will be over.
  
• Basically I'm dreading Baby J leaving babyhood. I'm going to be sad when she's not a baby anymore. She's already so different than she was when she was smaller. She won't really let us rock her to sleep for one thing.
  
• But I do love the Baby J we have now. She's smart, funny, and beautiful. She lights up when Hubby or I come in the room. She loves to be with us, dance with us, laugh with us, play with us. You can see her little mind working. When she decides she wants something she goes after it. It's remarkable and scary how fast she changes and learns new things.
• I think I'm doing much better with J's TSC diagnosis. Maybe I'm in denial, but I've just put it out of my mind as best I can. She is healthy and happy and there's no reason to be concerned right now so I'm trying not to be. We'll go see the geneticist around her first birthday and come up with a plan for regular maintenance and check ups then.
• Okay-I've been trying to get the freakin' costco photo uploader thing to work while typing this post and I can't get it to load. Anybody with a Mac had the same problem? I fixed the certificate thing but still can't get the damn thing to load. The world is conspiring against me to get out any sort of holiday card. And is it tacky to send out J's birth announcements with the holiday card? I have them and just haven't gotten them out the door...
  

Thankful

I wanted to post this before Thanksgiving but couldn't get the video to load and I didn't have time to put it on YouTube until now. So, enjoy!

I was going to write a long post about what I'm thankful for this year. You know, a job I like, what a great husband I have, and of course how wonderful Baby J is. Instead I'll just share a video that Hubby took last night while I was at work. And if you didn't know Baby J's real name, you will now. This is what I'm thankful for this year.

I hope you and yours have a great Thanksgiving, however you spend it.

The Verdict

I guess like that other post, I don't really know where to start.

I got a phone call yesterday from the genetic counselor confirming that Baby J really does have tuberous sclerosis. It was a very surreal phone call. I was at a Carter's outlet exchanging some clothes when my phone rang. I had just left a message for the other genetic counselor and that's who I thought it was when I answered. I didn't expect to actually be getting news right then and there. I just thought I was getting a returned phone call. So there I am wandering around Carter's, carrying Baby J in her car seat, which is not easy these days, trying to fight back tears and digest what is being said. You know, those medical type people say things in the vaguest ways sometimes. She said, "Her blood work came back positive for a variance." Does that mean she has a variance or that she could? Well, it means she does.

There are two known genes affected TSC1 and TSC2 (original, I know). Baby J has a mutation in TSC1 which is the gene affected less often. It also seems to have less severe implications. I didn't learn all of this in Carter's. I got off the phone, quickly made my exchange, and bolted to the car where I had a good cry and called Hubby. We talked for a few minutes and then I had a good cry the rest of the way home. I pulled myself together after getting Baby J down for a nap and called the genetic counselor back. I just needed more info.

I guess if there is a best case scenerio for someone with TS then Baby J has it. She has no tumors anywhere that we know of (just need to do a pediatric opthamologist visit) and seems as healthy as can be. We're fortunate to know about her diagnosis now so we can be proactive when things arise. Yeah, it's really easy to type all that now but I was a mess about it all (and am still a little). I think we all want our children to grow up with every opportunity and I'm just scared that this will somehow keep Baby J from having a normal childhood. It certainly hasn't so far, but I do not deal well with the unknown and I just want what's best for her. And I know it's so far in the future but I think about when it's time for her to have kids. And what if the chance of her passing this on keeps her from having kids when she really wants them? I know I'm jumping the gun but I can't stand the thought of it all.

Also, all of this really makes me think we won't have more kids. I just don't know if I can go through all of this with another baby. It's such an emotional roller coaster. Right now we don't think either Hubby or I have TS. Two thirds of cases are new mutations in the genes. But if we want we can get looked over with a wood's lamp (basically a black light) to see if we have any white spots. Nearly 100% of people with TS have the white spots. If we don't have spots then it's safe to assume we don't have TS. I always thought we'd have at least two kids so part of me has been in mourning a little over never being pregnant again or having a newborn or all of the wonderful parts about having a new little baby. Again, jumping the gun. We still can have kids if we want. Neither of us are ready to make that decision just yet.

And silly me, I really let myself believe that this whole diagnosis was a fluke after Baby J's MRI came back clear. To me that was proof that she was fine. And she is fine, don't get me wrong. But I think it all came as such a shock to me yesterday because I really thought the doctors were wrong. I wanted them to be wrong so bad. So now I have to deal with her diagnosis all over again to some extent. It's going to be a long road for me and for us, I think. But ultimately Baby J is the same baby she's always been. She's sweet and funny. She's a total ham and so smart. I love her more than I could've imagined.

To leave on a happy note, here's a couple pictures from yesterday when we were getting ready for a walk to the store...





And a couple more of her playing with her books...

A No Good Terrible Very Bad Day

Today has not gone well...

• I woke up and forgot I had to work today. Luckily having a baby means you don't get to sleep in that late even if you have a nice husband who gets up with the baby.
• I dilly dallied too much after waking up late and had to run out of the house for daycare drop off and work.
• It snowed this morning and the roads were icky. I hate snowy roads.
• I nearly rear-ended a van on my way to work because of teh icky roads. I was talking to Husband at the time and he said, "Maybe you should get off the phone and pay attention."
• Right because I nearly hit a van because I wasn't paying attention. It had nothing to do with the roads.
• I hung up on him.
• He called back and I hung up on him again. Go me.
• At work we had a leaky pipe out front that the chef/manager decided he would try to fix. Right before service.
• It didn't work and he only made it worse so we had no water for the coffee pot, soda gun, or sink we use to fill up the water pitchers. Awesome.
• I had to go to the store to buy soda.
• We had to boil water to bring to the coffee pot and for hot tea. It was not so fantastic.
• Luckily the plumber was able to come but not until lunch was almost over. But he fixed it in like five minutes. Thank you!!
• The whole pipe thing wouldn't have been a big deal but we were busy. Annoying.
• I picked up Baby J from school and brought her home only to have her be incredibly fussy. I think she probably needed another nap but the timing of me picking her up was off for her. She hardly ate any dinner (oatmeal and peas and rice baby food). I did give her a bath and get some cuddle time before bed though.
• The diapers that I loved so much have been leaking for weeks now. I think they have detergent build up which is really annoying because I bought expensive detergent that I thought was recommended. I bought something else to try now and hopefully I can fix the problem so we can keep using them.
  
• I did get some paper work done that I needed to take care of tonight though. I need to put my clothes away/organize my over flowing dresser and do some dishes but I really don't feel like it.
• I better at least do the dishes or Hubby will do them when he comes home and I'll feel bad for not taking care of it.
• Sigh...I hope you've had a better day than me.
  

Barack the Vote!

Even Baby J got an "I Voted" sticker! Hope you have a wonderful Election Day!